Archive for March 2008
Revenge
An acquaintance of mine is well known for being a malicious gossip. I was warned about her by mutual friends when I first entered the same social sphere. She is the kind of person who takes pleasure in the misfortune of others, but unlike the rest of us content to allow misfortune to land where it will, she will twist and play and tweak and finagle to help engineer situations that allow her the satisfaction of gloating and having something to gossip about. One of the more annoying aspects of her character is the air of saintly perseverance she wears during all this, as if she is surprised that such and such turn of events has come about, and as if she is doing us “mere mortals’ a favor by giving us the benefit of her wisdom.
Being well traveled on this road of life, I have met her sort before in various guises, so forewarned I kept to the periphery. Over the last year or so, I have watched with great enjoyment as her feeble attempts at Machiavellian manipulation brought her entire social structure to the brink of collapse. She was out played at her own game by another woman, who one assumes has more experience at this nonsense. Thus, bereft of friends and desperate for acceptance she turned to me. In order to keep her a suitable distance I generated a construct and allowed her to befriend it. And the stupid girl is now up to her old tricks.
She is trying to play me off against a mutual friend, whilst coming across as a saintly and wise heroine. She carries an air of desperate and impotent rage, as if our doings have brought her terrible misfortune. And of course, once one peers deeper into the situation, it is an obvious house of cards. A nonsense here, a deliberate misinterpretation there, all balanced on her own her nauseating ego. Unfortunately she made the mistake of thinking I am a “nice guy”. She has no idea of the depths of my hate and rage. I have a very short and very violent temper. As arrogant as it sounds, and is: I am not the person you want to fuck with. The last person who tried this lost her job, her fiancé and was expelled from the university she was attending. I take inordinate pleasure in revenge. I have been very well trained and have been doing this for a very long time.
We shall see how this particular scenario pans out. I am very busy at the moment, both professionally and personally, so I’m hoping she stays quiet. I gently explained to her my point of view, and then had her shunned from her social group. Friendless, she tried once more. I am stifling the urge to fucking destroy her, and instead ignoring it hoping it goes away. If I have to interrupt my busy schedule to debase myself once more in the filth of revenge, it will go very badly for her.
Confession is bad for the soul
My bad habit is this: I fuck all my female friends. I mean, I’ll fuck almost anything anyway; it’s a pathological thing according to my (ex-)shrink. But female friends…well, for what it’s worth they come to me voluntarily. I have never forced myself upon someone. Seriously, my life is like something from AlexSuze a lot of the time, or perhaps an Isabelle Snow story… It helps that I’m a kinky little bastard too. Three girls now have sworn they’ll never take it in the ass. They did. They enjoyed it and wanted more. Once you relax in bed, there is a world of fun to be had, of which regular old penetrative sex is but one facet.
Anyway, I guess it’s something to do with my personality. My partner was jealous at first because I flirt compulsively. After much thought I think I’m not so much flirting, as information gathering. I can get people to relax and open up, make them feel comfortable around me, and talk to me. I’ll learn a lot from someone without giving up much of myself. And most of what is seen in public is a construct anyway. But that’s for another day.
I mentioned my partner. It doesn’t matter if I’m married or not. Just suffice it to say that I have a partner, hence this being a bad habit.
I’ve been “good” for months now, since a girl I was seeing left town. In the meantime I have developed a close relationship with another female friend. And this one is special because she said to me from the get-go that sex was not an option. Apparently the mutual friend who introduced us had warned her of my reputation. I was somewhat taken aback, but glad to get things cleared up in such a rapid manner. So, sex-free our relationship has developed until we’re quite close in an almost siblingesque fashion. Which makes this so much worse.
A couple of weeks ago we were both tipsy and flirting. One thing led to another and we kissed. I hoped that was it. Then she came to my house and we watched movies and chatted, and ate strawberries and cream, and then of course, kissed. This time with a little more… I explored her body for a while, but we left it at that. Then last weekend, we went for dinner at an exclusive little bar, known locally for being a gay hangout in the evenings. I was safe from the attention of the boys (not that I mind at all) because after the first bottle of Champagne we spent the rest of the evening glued to each other. It was rather steamy and fit perfectly with the debauched and hedonistic atmosphere of the club. I nearly got a blowjob in the (unisex) bathroom, but held myself in check.
We’re going to a party tonight, and the theatre tomorrow. It will happen again. I have no doubt that we’ll be naked and fucking by this weekend. And the sex will be fucking amazing. Of that I also have no doubt.
However, what will become of our friendship? The strangest thing of all, is that I genuinely care. I once naively believed that sex was possible without emotion. I have learned the hard way that that just isn’t true. I also know that I am a cold hearted motherfucker and I will be able to walk away; bottle up my emotions and get on with my life. But can she do that? And can my damaged psyche handle another broken heart?
Chess
I chose the avatar of this blog after a great deal of thought. For those few among you who do not know it is from the Seventh Seal by Ingmar Bergman. The fellow on the right is Antionus Block (played quite well by Max von Sydow), and he is about the engage the lovely gentleman on the left (i.e. Death) in a chess match for his life. Clearly, the result is already decided Block is just buying time to try to get home from his travels aboard to see his wife and child before the endgame. Throughout the film Death cheats, posing as a priest to take Block’s confession, and only revealing his true self after Block has given away his strategy. Near the end Block intentionally knocks over the pieces hoping to put off his fate. Claiming he does not remember where the pieces where, he hopes to avoid being mated. Death replies that he remembers where the pieces where and sets them back up, however, he sets them up incorrectly. The unavoidable happens, Block is mated, and off he goes to dance with death. Clearly, this is what we are all doing everyday, playing chess with Death. Some of us are better than others, but eventually we all make that fatal move that leads to the endgame. Remember all the stories of people surviving crashes, etc that should have killed them? We say they “cheated death.” Well remember Death cheats back, so before you use the French-Indian defense or the English opening think very carefully.
